I know that it is scary to be honest about this topic but in my work, one of the most painful things I deal with are men and women who've ignored incompatibility in sexual styles, only to wake up 6 months, five years or twenty years to find their partner sexually attracted to someone else, involved in an affair or packed their bags and are gone. Some have sex with their spouses with eyes closed and ten years later turn around and complain that the person they married is not the person they thought he/she was. Sometimes a bad sexual connection is a sign of other things not being quite right. So its definitely worthwhile exploring together what could make that sexual connection better. So how do you tell if you and a potential partner are sexually compatible? First of all, sexual chemistry and sexual compatibility are two very different things. You may feel a lot of sexual chemistry with someone but not necessarily be sexually compatible. Sexual chemistry is a primal instinct and most times happens at our unconscious or sub-conscious level. Compatibility on the other hand is about "fit"; knowing on a conscious level what we want, what is good for us and how we can get what we want while making it possible for the other person to get what they want. One obvious way to find out if you are sexually compatible with someone is to sleep with the person, that you way you know if you like it or don't. However, this is not usually the best way especially if you want to give true attraction and true love a chance to reveal itself. When you get sexually involved just from sexual chemistry alone you will find yourself trying to maintain the illusion that you hold the power over the direction in which the relationship is going and you may eventually develop a certain emotional distance or try to manipulate the other person. This "power play" doesn't work well in the long term. There are instances when two people who "know" each other sexually before they've established an emotional bond has worked because the two people both have a very high level of emotional maturity or emotional dysfunction - both ways sometimes works. You can chose to take your chances and go for it or you can chose wait until such a time that you and your partner feel emotionally, soulfully or spiritually bonded before you are sexually involved. If you plan to remain celibate until you're married, at least take the time to have a frank discussion with your partner to avoid a "sexual crisis" on your wedding night. And.. giving true love a chance to reveal itself doesn't mean a passionless relationship! Whichever way you chose to do it, and no matter how much you love somebody, you'll have a difficult time moving past the problems sexual incompatibility creates in your relationship if you do not deal with it. Think honestly about the following questions; Are you both emotional open to each other? Do you agree on the importance sex plays in a relationship? Do you constantly worry that your partner is (or will not be) sexually fulfilled? Do you sometimes wonder if you'd be sexually happier with another partner? Do you rationalize for the lack of sexual chemistry in your relationship -try to make it somehow "okay" (i.e. "lots of people don't have fulfilling sex lives, so its okay", "he or she is a nice person who cares about sex, anyway?" or " sex is often overrated, there are more important things in a relationship" etc)? Do you and your partner fit together physically (no laughing, in my practice, I meet both men and women who complain about physical incompatibility, too small/ big or too tight /wide)? Do you often blame lack of time for the lack of intimate moments? Do you and your partner have different sexual frequency requirements? Do you find yourself avoiding intimacy because you and your partner have different sexual styles? Is your partner sexually dysfunctional? If you believe you and your partner are sexually incompatible, it doesn't help to deceive yourself. You are only setting up yourself or the other person to cheat soon or later. The good news is that often two people can work through these issues with enough honest communication or with the help of professional guidance. |
