Some say life is like a box of chocolates, because 'you never know what you're going to get'.

These people are idiots. Who the hell adopts a quote from a 'slow' movie character as their personal credo, anyway? Sure, I watched Forrest Gump. I watched Rain Man, too, but you don't see me nodding sagely and proclaiming, 'I'm an excellent driver. Excellent driver.' every time things take a turn for the worse. You might as well quote Ace Ventura. Useless.

Others say that life is like a rose, delicate and beautiful but cursed with thorns.

These people should be wearing black sackcloth and flagellating themselves at an emo concert somewhere. 'Beautiful but thorny,' they say, all misty-eyed. No. In my book, 'beautiful but thorny' is a stripper wearing a cactus G-string. Or a cheerleader stuck in a briar patch. Or a sex doll made of thistles. Those things are not 'life'. Wax your poetics elsewhere, Emerson wanna-bes.

Then there are those who say life is like a river, or an ocean, or a lake.

Why? I don't know -- maybe because it's wet, cold, and brimming with fish pee. You'd have to ask the treehugging yahoos who say this sort of thing. Preferably while you're dangling their heads into a dirty toilet. There's your 'ocean of life' right there, slappy.

So what is life really like? Well, I've got a few ideas on the matter. And there are no 'box of chocolates' or 'delicate roses' here; that's for certain. Observe:

'Life is like a stint in juvie.':

The first little while is scary, but soon you realize that you could be in far worse places, with a hairy roommate named Fangs and only a hole to poop in. And in the back of your mind, you know that's where you're probably headed eventually. Because you're incorrigible.

'Life is like a nude beach at a fat farm.':

It's never quite as exciting as you think it's going to be, because most of the naked people you see aren't the naked people you really want to see. It's also a bad idea to accept food from strangers. You don't know where it's been. And you don't want to know, either.

'Life is like a bowl of three-alarm chili.':

No matter how much spice you like, there's just a little bit more than you can handle. Drinking plenty of water will help get you through it, but when it's over, you'll be sweating just as much as the rest of us. And remember: as much as it hurt coming in, it'll be at least as painful going out the other end.

'Life is like sex with an Armenian hooker.':

It's exciting and exotic, but you really don't understand it as well as you think you do, which is probably going to cost you a lot of money along the way. It might also give you a nasty disease. Also, the longer it continues, the more hair you discover growing in places where hair has no right to be.

'Life is like being Larry Flynt.':

Early on, there's some sex and partying, but you can never really get enough. Then, some fundy psycho will shoot you or something, and you'll need a wheelchair to get around. Oh, and in the movie version, Courtney Love will get naked a lot, and then drown in a bathtub. So that'll be nice.

'Life is like milking your cat.': Nobody else is going to do it quite the same way as you would -- and most people probably would rather you didn't do it at all. Which means that very few people will appreciate what you're trying to accomplish. On the other hand, if you work hard enough, you can make your own cheese. Scrumptious!

'Life is like a trip past the Fun House mirrors.':

First, you're very small. Then, you're tall and skinny. Next, you're fat and squishy. And at no time do you look anything remotely like the way you want to look. Also? There will probably be clowns nearby to laugh at you.

'Life is like a stripper wearing a cactus G-string.':

It's beautiful, but thorny. Also, the more money you have, the longer you're likely to keep it. And if you keep it long enough, it'll make your nethers tingle in several different ways -- but not all of them good.