The ironies of life are bizarre - life is a mix of joy and sorrow for most of us, but while we need not necessarily be well versed in understanding joy and happiness, we have to know how to comprehend the opposite - grief. Grief is an emotion or psychological state occasioned by a sense of loss. The loss could be that of a family member or a friend, loss of a job, loss of a spouse through divorce, or even a perceived loss of an opportunity for professional betterment. However it is the bereavement caused by the loss of a dear one that causes the greatest sorrow. Loss of a person through death is a one-way street - it represents somebody gone permanently, never to be retrieved. There is no 'and Found' phrase attached to it. As is the case with all other emotions, the only way to understand it fully is to experience it. Grief is a complicated emotion to analyze. It is partly an expression of self-pity that the loved one is no longer around and is missed painfully; it is also a feeling of regret for all the pleasures that the dead person will never be able to share and the dreams that will never be fulfilled. Most often it is a hopelessly intertwined mix of both these strands of deprivation. The mechanism of handling grief is obviously highly individualized; people also vary in the time that they require to go through the grieving process and reach the stage of acceptance, reconciliation and self-rejuvenation. However there are certain basic universal responses in the grief cycle and everyone goes through some or all of these phases. Some accept that a loss has occurred and enter the grieving process early; on the other hand others continue in a state of denial, refusing to recognize the reality of the loss and its implications. The severity of the shock leads to numbness and a kind of emotional paralysis. In the case of sudden loss of a loved one, this emotional inaction acts as a temporary shock absorber and a buffer between the trauma and its acceptance. Anger and outrage are common reactions. The question 'Why did it have to happen to me?' has no answers, but is asked repeatedly, especially if the loss is untimely. The anchors of religion and faith are severely shaken and hitherto dearly held philosophies of life come unstuck in the gush of perception of an undeserved deal from destiny. The feeling of the unfairness of the deprivation leads to bitterness and self-pity. The questioning phase sometimes matures into an analysis of the factors responsible for the loss and this in turn may induce a chain of accusations. These could either be self-accusations that one could have done something, or abstained from doing something, to avert the catastrophe; or, the blame could be laid at the door of other individuals or institutions like hospitals or the police who might be involved in the circumstances leading to the demise. Wherever death is caused by acts of terrorism, kidnapping for ransom, driving negligence or similar sudden and totally irrational events, the feelings of extreme anger and outrage will focus naturally on any identifiable perpetrator of the incident. Bitterness and depression are inseparable from grief and loss. Hopelessness regarding reversal of the loss weighs down heavily, causing sleeplessness, loss of appetite and consequent inertia. This is by far the most difficult phase to travel, because this is the period of arguments and battles within oneself and this route has to be traversed before one arrives at resignation to the loss and its eventual acceptance. In this stage a person frequently relapses into the states of anger, blame and total negativity with regard to life. Envy of others who have not suffered in similar fashion is another common reaction, compounding the bitterness and the ' why - me' syndrome. Dealing with grief is not easy, but has to be accomplished to carry on with life. Family and social support systems can play an invaluable role in this regard. Speaking out to a family member or a friend can be a source of immense relief when the immediate shock has passed. Crying offers a cathartic outlet for unexpressed, pent-up emotions and memories. Resuming work as well as physical activities such as walking and exercise is very crucial to the healing process. Professional counseling must be sought in cases of severe trauma and depression. With the best of efforts and assistance coping with grief and loss is a huge battle; and, victory, if it can be called that, is rarely complete. The smallest triggers can cause a flood of memories and release intense, unspeakable pain. It is said that during life, a person's belongings are just taken for granted; when the person passes away the same little personal possessions get a life of their own and become potently meaningful Grief is the most natural and normal process of coping with loss; it has great therapeutic value and has to be encountered, endured and experienced before attaining a state of peace with oneself. |
